Lane sprain

Recovering from a sports injury today. If you call sprawling down a bowling alley lane on your butt a sports injury.

Yes, I AM all that

My room mate was installing a flat screen tv and said, "I need a stud finder." I pointed to myself and said "Look no further!"

Grumpy old man

Lately it seems like my hairdresser spends more time on my ears and eyebrows than my head.

The phone is on but no one's home

Did you ever leave someone in your phone contacts just so you would know not to answer when they call?

Rebel without a cause

In my continued effort to live dangerously, I turned off my computer while it was installing important updates.

What a deal!

On Facebook I keep getting an Amazon advertisement for a $45 straight talk service card. It's selling for $49.

TMI

I received a resume today where the contact email address was "aintrightindahead."

IQ Test

When I check guests into the hotel I tell them our wi-fi password is "bestwestern." Sometimes they write it down.

Turning the tables

I saw my psychiatrist today. I think he'll be fine.

Your welcome!

We had a group at the hotel who came from Russia. They just sent us a thank you email. Here's the first sentence. "Thank you for your hostages."

See what I mean??

If you see your optometrist, does that mean you didn't need to after all?

Catch 22

I tried to get online to see why there was a problem with my internet connection.

ewwwww...

I was at a luncheon yesterday and a guy kept saying we needed "thongs" for the salad.

Art or Science?

I had my blood drawn this morning. I'm gonna frame it.

Plenty of space and good lighting

I went to the rheumatologist today. He said my rooms were just fine.

Rolling the Dice

In my continued effort to live dangerously I clicked on Google's "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Something you'll never hear at a funeral

He was a good man. Unfortunately, he could never overcome his weakness for vegetables.

School talk

I wonder if mother fish tell their kids not to swim for an hour after lunch.

messy finish

My friend was going on and on about her bout with diarrhea  so finally I cut in and asked, "Did it all work out in the end?"

confidence in action

After I give a really good back rub I say, "I'm Doug Doan, and I approved this massage."

Get connected

The hotel guest complained that his AC wouldn't turn on. I went up to his room and plugged it in. 

Sometimes it's the simple things folks...

I'm game

On the dating sites most girls say they are tired of game players. That's too bad because I really like scrabble.

Product fail!!

I planted bird seed last Fall. So far no birds! Fail...

Refined tastes

According to my Netflix taste preferences I like cerebral romantic foreign films. It's a limited genre...

Birds of a feather

If me and this dude have 47 mutual friends but I don't know him, are WE destined to be friends one day?

IQ envy

I wonder how the other phones feel when a smart phone enters the room.

All's well that ends well

I drove to the airport to go to a funeral so I chose "Terminal Parking."

Old people rule!

There was this weird smell in my apartment this morning and I couldn't figure it out. Eventually I realized it was the brylcream I had just put in my hair and the ben gay my room mate had just put on his leg. Welcome to the 1950's.

We get the point

What's more annoying? The commercials on the radio, or the commercial-free hours where they remind you every five minutes that it's a commercial-free hour?

Sometimes you can attract more flies

The roadside sign said, "Local Honey Ahead." I don't think she should be advertising like that!

We all need a change

You know the baby changing stations in the mcdonalds bathrooms? I saw a guy put his baby in it and it changed into a cabbage! freaky

Hold your nose

The advertisement read, "Take a closer look at Depends underwear."  P.U.

Night of the living organic dead

Why does everyone at the local health food store look pale, frail, and sickly??

Number 1 or Number 2

An alternative fairy tale: The Princess and the Poop

No shade for me

What time do I lie in the sun?

Tan O'clock.

Reaching out but not touching

The caller ID simply said, "Unavailable."

Must have been my ex.

Take it all off!

The radio commercial said "Belly Dancing 60% off."

How appropriate.

You're welcome!

A large military offensive = Tanks a lot

Snoping around

Just because an email forward says "Confirmed by snopes" at the end doesn't mean it was confirmed by Snopes!

We're kinda hoping that YOU will confirm it by Snopes before forwarding that crap to us...

4 eyes are better than 2

I'm glad I have thick glasses.

1) It helps me get chicks.

2) If I'm ever lost in the woods I can start a fire.

A name goes before a fall

If my last name was Bris, I would name my son Hugh.

Penalty!

In my continued effort to live dangerously I ripped the tag off my mattress.

There's a Whole in my pocket

I'm so poor I shop at "Partial" Foods.

Fry it up in a pan

I'm thinking about becoming a pork butcher so I can bring home the bacon.

Fat is in the eye of the beholden

A couple of years ago I had occasion to use the services of a food bank a few times. I felt so bad for all of us starving supplicants.

Oh, wait... most of us were obese.

Not for the faint of heart

In my continued effort to live dangerously, I'm only drinking bold coffee.

Spontaneous combustion

I was going through some momentos today and spilled pepsi on them.

What an explosion!

Right weight wrong age

I am happy to report that I am not part of the childhood obesity epidemic.

improvised uterine device

A guy told me his cousin was injured in Iraq when an IUD blew up.

Strange but true

I went to an outdoor market yesterday. It was bazaar.